


Remember me

by shushu_yaoi_lj



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: 8th year, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Birthday Wishes, F/F, Female Simon Snow, Female Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow, Hopeful Ending, Mention of blood, Pining, Stolen Kisses, fem!SnowBaz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:40:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26048152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shushu_yaoi_lj/pseuds/shushu_yaoi_lj
Summary: It's Baz's birthday and she couldn't care less about the presents and the cake.She still blew on the candles, wishing for something impossible.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 15
Kudos: 59





	Remember me

**Author's Note:**

> A massive thank you goes to [ Sharing_a_room_with_an_open_fire ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sharing_a_room_with_an_open_fire/pseuds/Sharing_a_room_with_an_open_fire) for being an amazing beta and for encouraging me to write this fic. Also thank you for being an amazing person!
> 
> This is my first Fem!SnowBaz fic. I've been meaning to write one for ages, but I was a bit worried that it would turn up too angsty. It's a bit sad (because Baz is Baz, let's face it), but there's hope at the end.  
> The title of the fic is from the poem "Remember" by Christina Rossetti - you can find it [ here ](https://poets.org/poem/remember).
> 
> I hope you enjoy it!

It’s my birthday today.

I suppose I should consider myself lucky. I got presents from my family and friends (Niall got me a nice book, hardcover and limited edition, Daphne a stunning dress) and Dev managed to convince cook Pritchard to bake me a cake. I didn’t eat any of it, but other people enjoyed it. I still blew on the candles, wishing for something impossible.

I should have probably taken a slice to eat in peace and quiet in the Catacombs, but I didn’t really fancy having cake down there. Snow looked like she would have liked some. She’s a sucker for cake. Well, for any kind of food, really. She has finally managed to put on the weight that she lost over the summer and her lovely curves are back.

I’m sitting behind her in class and I allow myself to stare at her. I don’t even listen to what the teacher’s saying; I’ll catch up later.

“Your assignment should be on the comedy of your choice and you will have one week to complete it,” our English Literature teacher has been talking about essays for the past twenty minutes. I’ve known how to write one since I was ten. 

It’s my birthday and I want to look at her. At the gentle curve of her shoulders, the freckles on her neck. Her curls are a beautiful mess, bronze and thick. She leans forward to take some notes in her illegible handwriting and she blows loudly, trying to move a lock of hair out of her face. It’s a completely useless gesture and she groans in frustration as it bounces back onto her forehead.

“Si, you’re too loud!” Bunce hisses at her and Snow groans again. She’s such a savage.

Sometimes I close my eyes and I imagine what it would be like to have her make those noises while she’s under me, as I undress her and my lips kiss every single one of her moles, my hands roaming around her body, spreading her legs. I would take my time making her fall apart under me, making her wet for me, sliding my fingers inside, dipping my tongue to taste her as she moans my name.

“Baz?” I open my eyes and she’s staring at me, “you dropped your pen.”

She hands it to me, an annoyed look on her face. I should simply thank her, take advantage of the situation to try to touch her fingers. Instead I sneer at her and flick my long dark hair behind my shoulder.

“Were you trying to steal it, Snow? You can’t even afford pens, Crowley…” comes out of my mouth. I wish I weren’t such a bitch sometimes, but it’s like I have a distorted filter that turns all the love I feel for her into insults. I can’t seem to stop it.

“Fuck off,” she says, her blue eyes flashing.

She turns and mutters something to Bunce, who sighs and ignores her.

I let a minute go by and then I kick her chair and she turns again, shooting daggers at me.

“What?” she mouths at me. I lick my lips, taste the cinnamon lip balm that I bought just because it reminds me of the way she smells, and I raise an eyebrow. I lean forward and whisper in her ear.

“You’ve laddered your tights. You’re such a mess. No wonder Wellbelove left you; you can’t even wear proper clothes.”

She blushes and looks at her legs. Her tights are completely ruined (she probably climbed over a fence again, on her way to see Ebb) and she looks mortified. She wears the school issued ones and she’s only allowed a few per month. She’s going to end up going to the loo after the lesson to take them off. I will get to see her legs.

“Piss off, Baz…” she mutters and her curls are all over the place as she turns her head at the speed of light.

I wish I could touch them. I wonder if her hair is as soft as it looks. She doesn’t use any product, not even conditioner. There’s so much that I could teach her on how to look after herself properly. I wonder why no one has ever bothered telling her how to take care of her hair. Or how to use make-up. She doesn’t even shave her legs properly. She always ends up with little cuts and gives up halfway (not that she needs to do it; she barely has any hair). I want to teach her, show her how to do things. Take care of her.

By dinner time, I’m feeling restless. It’s still my birthday, but I feel completely dejected. I don’t give a shit about presents. Or cake.

All I want is Snow.

All I ever wanted is Snow.

I wish we were not fighting on different sides of the same stupid war, so that I could be nice to her.

I wish she fancied girls.

I wish she liked me.

Even if I had the courage to confess my feelings for her, I know it would still be completely hopeless. She would find me disgusting. She already despises me; if she found out that I’m in love with her, she would get her big sword out and end me for good.

And I’m so sick that I would actually like that. For her to be the one to bring my death. I suppose if anyone has to do it, it’d better be her. I wonder if she would remember me afterwards. If she would regret doing it.

I don’t even know if I’m immortal.

I love the poem ‘Remember’ by Christina Rossetti. But I doubt that Snow would remember me when I’m gone.

She probably doesn’t even care. I’m nothing to her. Just an enemy on the list the Mage gave her. Another tick to be added once she finishes me.

I go to the Catacombs, drain a few rats, cry a bit over my mother’s tomb. She wouldn’t want me to celebrate another birthday. I should be gone by now.

I go back to our room and Snow is sleeping. The window’s open in spite of the fact that it’s freezing outside.

She looks so peaceful, a soft smile on her lips, her hair draped over her pillow. I close my eyes and I can hear her heart beating in her chest. I take a deep breath. She smells divine and I’m dying to taste her.

I’ve never bitten anyone, but I know where I would sink my fangs. She has a mole on her neck; I would use it as a target and bite her right next to it. I’ve been draining animals for years now and I’m neat; not a single drop of blood gets spilt nowadays. I would be messy with her. I would bite her and I would let the blood run down her chest, leaving a small trail down her boobs, pooling on her clavicles. I would lick it all off her warm skin, making her moan as I flick my tongue over her nipples, sucking on them, and then lap my way up to her lips.

“Hmmm,” she mumbles in her sleep, “Baz…”

I hold my breath and move closer to her bed, until I’m standing just above her. I could touch her, if I only moved my fingers a few inches.

Is she dreaming about me?

Crowley, I don’t know what I would give to be able to kiss her.

Only once.

To brush my lips against hers, slowly, softly. I would be so gentle. She wouldn’t even notice that I’m there. I would steal just one kiss and then I would leave her alone, to suffer in peace, knowing that I’ve given her my first and only kiss.

I’m not a thief, but it’s my birthday.

It’s the last ever birthday that I will spend with her. A few more months and then she will be gone. Out of my life. We might meet on the battlefield and then I would let her end my pitiful existence. And she would not even remember me. I feel the tears stinging my eyes, my nose prickling as I try not to sniffle.

I lean down, holding my hair so that it doesn’t fall into her face.

I open my lips, ever so slightly, but I don’t close my eyes. The room is dark, but I can still see her.

I gently press my lips against hers and I feel like I’m melting, because she’s so warm and she smells like freshly baked cinnamon rolls and bacon, like magic, like home. I lift my head after what feels like an eternity, but was probably just a handful of seconds and a tear escapes from my eye and rains on her cheek.

She suddenly reaches up and her lips are on mine again, capturing them in an unexpected kiss, opening up and letting her tongue slide into my mouth. I stifle a moan, as her fingers bush against my cheek, making me shudder.

When we finally part, her breath-taking blue eyes open wide and she stares at me. I’m still so close that I can feel her breath on my mouth. It’s warm and somehow comforting.

“Baz?” she asks and I feel like an idiot. What the fuck am I doing, kissing Snow while she’s asleep?

I straighten my back and I’m about to step away from her, wishing the floor could open up and swallow me, but then I feel her hand on my wrist. Solid and tight. It moves down and her fingers interlace with mine.

“Stay,” she simply says.

The alarm clock on her bedside table flashes 00:01.

It’s no longer my birthday, but I still got my wish granted.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this fic in spite of the angst! Kudos and comments make me happy.


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